EYES ONLY - CLASSIFIED

FROM: DDUI

What we know about YOU

We have resources currently gathering personal information from all sides of the pending Flyover War conflict. For authorized individuals, intelligence updates are always available here.

Here is what we've learned, so far:

You are female (or maybe male)

You are between 13 and 108 years old

You are between 36 and 84 inches tall

You weigh between 80 pounds and --- a lot more.

We're pretty sure that you can read.

You are highly intelligent, or you wouldn't be here.